On the spectrum

prism

Lifted here

That people with autism live on a spectrum was clear from recent conversations at our forums and book signings.

When Melissa and I ask  people there about their contact with autism, we hear a diversity of experiences:

  • My nephew with autism just finished college
  • Our friend’s daughter with autism just got married
  • Our grandson with autism wrote a book
  • He’s very high functioning but socially awkward 
  • Nobody invites us to anything because he gets violent

For caregivers, the spectrum creates obvious problems.  Therapies that were useful in one situation simply bounce off of another.  Support networks are hard to build – yes, misery loves company but finding a common set of experiences and resources is not easy.

In our family, we are blessed that Joey is emotionally connected and affectionate.  Many families of people with autism don’t have that and expend sacrificial love with little in return.  It is hard for us to imagine their challenge, even though we might have many other common experiences.

Steve Silberman makes some important points as we wind up (did you know it was April?) Autism Awareness Month.  So much science is about “root causes” when the daily struggle is about quality of life for people on the spectrum and their caregivers,

…the lion’s share of the money raised by star-studded “awareness” campaigns goes into researching potential genetic and environmental risk factors — not to improving the quality of life for the millions of autistic adults who are already here, struggling to get by. At the extreme end of the risks they face daily is bullying, abuse, and violence, even in their own homes…

Obviously, even a month of acceptance will not be enough to dramatically improve the lives of people on the spectrum. What could be done to make the world a more comfortable, respectful, and nurturing place for millions of autistic kids and adults  — now, starting today?

There’s no one answer.  But there are millions of potential answers in the hearts of many who care for people with autism and those who know and care about our families.  Caring people are on a spectrum, too, from kindly neighbors and friends to the folks who form public agencies and organizations to medical and therapeutic professionals…

…to patient strangers who take the time to be kind in the face of confusing and even ugly situations.

Isolation

The first book signing for Raising a Child With Autism is history, but this isn’t about the book.  It is about the people who stopped to talk at the display table and others who’ve been in touch via the internet.  My prayer list keeps growing with their names and needs.

One man took a break from his job down the street from the bookstore to come in and describe his family’s unique challenges.  They care for a son with autism.

We noticed that people stopped inviting us to stuff.  I think they’re afraid of our kid.  My wife is at home alone with him more and more.  She’s really feeling isolated.

All kinds of care givers suffer in similar situations.  People don’t invite you out or you find it too much of a hassle to go.  Competent babysitters or respite providers are hard to find.  The person in your care is agitated if you go out on your own, but resists going along when invited.

Many Christians will hear a familiar Bible lesson on an upcoming Sunday in Easter season.  It begins with people in isolation,

2012-12-22_09-13-56_966When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear…

But the locked door is as powerless against what happens next as, well, our bedroom door when our son Joseph wants to bust in about something.

Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.”

We weren’t able to attend an Easter service.  I had to work and Melissa had to – did you guess? – be home with Joe.  Yet Easter isn’t less Easter to us, because of the one who burst the isolation of his tomb and, by his Spirit, reaches into the isolation that afflicts the human race.

There’s no easy set of “steps” to make this happen, much as I’d like to bottle and sell such a formula.  But I suppose it begins like most efforts to end isolation, with a conversation,

And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

We are blessed this Easter.  Although we couldn’t be in church, we will soon have dinner with friends who love Joey and welcome him into their home.

We are grateful to all who read what we share, who leave messages and otherwise communicate with us.  You have been part of God’s response when we’ve asked, sought and knocked – you help deliver us from isolation.

May God’s peace be always with you.

The overlooked caregivers

Today is “Siblings’ Day” when one should appreciate brothers and sisters.

The brothers and sisters of a child with special needs are too easily overlooked.  It is easy to appreciate how they “help” with care giving but overlook their unique needs.

Here’s a short video that’s a helpful reminder.

 

NO, IT’S NOT BAD PARENTING

Award winning author Norma Gail asked me some probing questions in an interview shared on her blog.

Here’s a bit of it, with some key quotes available for Tweets embedded by the host,

NORMA GAIL:  Autism affects 1-68 children in America. That’s more common than most people probably realize. What are the most basic things you wish people knew about Autism and the families it affects?

Leonidas

Lifted here.  You might find the article amusing, too.

SOMETIMES CARE GIVING STINKS: I think I speak for many families of children with autism who want to scream, “NO, IT’S NOT DUE TO BAD PARENTING.”  It’s a neurological disorder, most likely genetic rather than environmental in origin (although people debate that with some ferocity).  One of the hardest things is that kids with autism are impaired socially and so their parents can invest sacrificial work with little to no emotional connection in response.  We were spared that – Joey is very connected emotionally, albeit in some quirky ways.

There is no “cure” for autism or any one therapy that is useful in all cases.  Families hope for a “silver bullet” that will solve things, and this can leave us open to bad advice, blaming or other traps.

Parents deal with feelings similar to grieving a death.  Various hopes and dreams we hold out for a typical child often have to be given up for a child with autism.  Some kids on the autism spectrum grow up to play sports, perform in the arts, excel in academics or vocational skill, get married and all kinds of other things we think of as making for a “good life.”  But many will never experience some or all of those things.  They have other pleasures – parents have to learn to love those.

Siblings can feel ignored due to all the effort and attention put into caring for the child with autism.  The whole family is impacted.

Allies mean a great deal.  Educators, medical people, community programs, understanding churches (not always easy to find), and just plain caring folks make life better.  There’s a neighbor of ours who routinely keeps going down our sidewalk when clearing his of snow – the time and effort he saves us is a precious gift.

NG: What are some of the greatest challenges faced by parenting a child with a disability?

SCGS: As the book points out, family caregivers – and this applies in situations beyond Autism, such as Alzheimer’s, spousal disability and many other conditions – are trying to fulfill roles beyond the knowledge, skill, energy, patience and finances of a typical individual or family.  We get stretched beyond our limits and, really, beyond any realistic expectation of becoming “good at it.”

In our case, we had to deal with Joey’s “meltdowns.” Kids with autism become frustrated when they can’t understand or be understood by others, and this can lead to a violent outburst.  It’s not the same as a tantrum, in which a kid wants a toy.  It is an all consuming surge of energy in an effort to connect with a world that seems out of touch.  It is heartbreaking to try and contain a beloved child who is putting you in serious danger – Joey would punch, kick, bite and throw objects at us.

There were several years where we didn’t think that Joey or any of us would ever sleep.  The stuff that makes you laugh after the years of raising a baby keeps going when autism is in play.  I sometimes tell people, “Imagine having a combination of newborn and toddler for a couple of decades.”

Parents share war stories of dealing with “the system.”  Some school districts are downright hostile to special needs kids, considering them a financial drain on services for “normal” kids.  Then there are the insurance issues, efforts to see specialists, quests for specialized therapies – it is exhausting and sometimes fruitless.

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Check out the interview.  Leave a comment there on Norma Gail’s blog and you might win a signed copy of Raising a Child With Autism.

Because it stinks…

air freshener

Image found here.

…caregivers have some capacity to freshen the stinkiness in others’ lives (and thereby in our own).

I think that our experiences can give us compassion for others’ struggles, even those not tied to care giving.

Here’s a positive review of our book, which notes that it can reach into situations that are not just like ours:

This is a most amazing book. The writing is phenomenal. Each chapter is divided into three parts, and each connected to “gardening or growing something”. This book is like a meditation and it does not just relate to raising a child with autism, it can apply to any difficulty, one might be going through. It even relates to just life itself. I have given this book to many people and all have loved it. The depth of this small book will amaze you.

I think we can fight off pity parties (OK, sometimes) by getting out of ourselves and helping others with different challenges.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

 

Why did I write that book?

The truth is going to sound wacky, pompous and neurotic.

But I’ll lead with the truth and then list some more palatable stuff.

The truth is that I was in the park with our son, Joey, who lives with autism.  His slightly older, neurotypical (aka “normal” or at least NOT living with autism) brother had just driven away to start college.  I was praying, which was easy as it was a gorgeous day.  Obviously, my heart was full – memories of the kids over the years, hopes for what would come – so I was pouring that kind of stuff out to God.

Not audibly, mind you.  The other parents were not telling their kids, “Honey, come over here, away from that strange man.”

And just as surely as I was speaking to God, God spoke back, not in a audible voice (I’m only neurotic, not psychotic yet), but in a thought that flooded my mind and overflowed into my heart: You can write a book that helps other family caregivers.

I knew right away that I would be writing in the midst of care giving, not from past experience.  The book would never be The Five Essential Habits of Excellent Caregivers or something like that.  Rather,

  • I wrote it so that people confined by the demands of care giving would find companionship, at least in the stories I tell but hopefully beyond them in the divine, “patient gardener” who has helped me beyond what I could ask or imagine;
  • I wrote it so that stressed out people could laugh.  You have to find the humor, dark though it might be, to keep going as a caregiver.
  • I wrote it to process my own inner stuff.  As I said, I wrote it while care giving, not after.  And so it was a combination of meditation and therapy for me as much as for any potential reader.
  • I wrote it because I enjoy writing.  It is a gift I have to share and, frankly, I communicate better through writing than any other means.  Well, except yelling or crying and stuff like that.

Ortt book and icon

 

A long time friend shared this lovely pic of the book on a desk where he studies and prays.  I pray and hope that this little book serves God by helping family caregivers in the depths of their hearts.

 

MORE read, discuss and do?

We recently shared an article on practical preparations for being a caregiver to an aging loved one.

What if very early diagnosis says that your newborn is living with autism?

New research suggests that autism can be detected in the first year of life by brain scan, rather than waiting on traditional behavior observations in the second year.  (Here’s a news summary of the scientific article).(Here’s a news summary of the scientific article).

A suggestion: if this pans out, absorb the early shock and then start setting up your support systems.  It is an early and useful opportunity to get your care giving resources and your life in position before the major behavioral issues emerge – while your child is still dependent like a typical baby.

…when such a thing happens…

Everyone reading this book – indeed, every human being – needs to know that when such a thing happens, we are not alone.  Victor Lee Austin, Losing Susan, Brazos Press 2016.

If you are a family care giver, or if you know one, Victor’s book (and it really turns out to be his late wife Susan’s book just as much) can be at once a splash of cold water that wakes you up and a strong arm around you for comfort.

20170206_141154He tells the story of his wife’s long terminal illness and his efforts to care for her with great love and humility in a pure sense of that word, by simply being objective and not forcing any judgments.  Some questions are left hanging, and this book gets across how normal and necessary that is.  No tidy answers to the big questions, but great insight into family care giving and a gift of compassionate companionship for those who are caregivers.

Just as many combat veterans need others who’ve been in battle to process what’s happened in their lives, care givers will find in Victor and Losing Susan a level of understanding and acceptance that helps process uncomfortable emotions and experiences.

Reading this is a reminder that care giving thrusts orderly souls like Victor’s into chaos, free spirits into stifling routines, thoughtful people into impulsive action, rational people into irrational situations, spontaneous people into detailed planning, extroverts into isolation and introverts into a land of disintegrating boundaries.  And what’s worse is that this all involves the loss of the person most a part of us and most able to buffer us in life’s hardships.

As I read this book, I was struck by how much I would like to see couples read it while preparing for marriage.  God forbid that they should have to walk the same course as Victor and Susan, but they will walk some part of it.  This book, by telling a family story rather than framing a lecture, brings out the deep reality of

In the Name of God, I take you to be my wife (to be my husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.  (Book of Common Prayer, 1979)

That kind of promise will take us into situations for which we are radically unprepared and, in all honesty, incompetent.  As Victor describes so well,

I never had any confidence about how much I should push or encourage her and how much I should step back and just let her be.

I’ve talked to a lot of people who have to care for others whom they love, and we always recognize this point of commonality.

This common lack is why care giving can’t be pulled off all on one’s own.  We need companions and, if we can recognize it, we need God’s grace.  Losing Susan is a voice for both.

Beer, bang, blood & BS

O, God, where to start retelling last night?

Got home from work in the late afternoon with two consecutive days off coming up. We had a fun Chinese pick up dinner; Joey downed his own weight in Lo Mein.

Melissa and I were settling in to binge watch something and I was so relaxed that I had a second beer.  Then a third.

Then, a floor shaking bang and noise  like the fusion of snoring, opera and a train going by.  Joey had a seizure.

It must have been abrupt because he usually senses them coming and gets to a couch.  This time he was down on the floor in his closet with his face shoved into the floor.  It was hard to get to him and we needed to make sure we could keep his airway open.

I’d just downed that third beer…

Melissa managed to wedge herself in with him, get a hand under his head and get his nose and mouth out of the carpet so he could breathe.

When she got her hand free, it was covered in blood.

As the seizure subsided, Joey began to rouse himself a bit and we were able to get him out of the closet and inspect his head.  There was running blood all over his left ear and we couldn’t tell if it was coming from an external cut or from inside of his head.

Melissa said, “We need to take him in,” meaning to the ER as it was evening, and she was right.  But I’d had three rapid beers and she was going to have to drive.

So we loaded up, her hair a mess and no makeup (that doesn’t bug me but she hates going out like that), Joey and I in shorts despite the winter temps.

I had the presence of mind to call the ER and let them know we were on the way and what had happened.

OK, OK, I need to back up just a bit so I can tell you about the BS.  As soon as we realized that we had to get to the hospital, Melissa had the insight that Joey gets combative after a seizure.  He just wants to sleep and doesn’t want to be poked, prodded, asked questions… it is like a man-cold on steroids.  He can get violent if pushed, no matter the pushers’ good intentions.

So she showed Joey her bloody hand and said, “Look, Joey, mommy has an owie.  I have to go to the doctor.  Will you help take mommy to the doctor?”

It worked.  She actually turned him into a caregiver, and, although we could see he’d rather do something else (hey, that’s a working definition of care giving, ain’t it?), he wanted to help mommy be OK.

This morning I realize that autism worked in our favor.  His older brother, the engineer, would have asked, “Hey, if mom’s injured, how come she has to drive?”  No such problem with Joey.

At the ER, Melissa quickly informed the staff of the BS story under which we were operating.  It was wonderful – all of them, from the receptionists, to the nurses, to the admitting clerk, to the doctor – adopted the line.  “So, what happened to you,” they asked Melissa, “and where are you hurt?”

Meanwhile, they convinced Joey that getting his blood pressure would be helpful to treating his Mom.

They very dramatically cleaned the blood off her hand so Joey could see mom getting fixed, then told him that some of the blood was on him and they needed to clean him up, too.

Thanks be to God, the bloody wound was an external abrasion.  No stitches, just some topical disinfectant and a day of rest (today) at home.

And, because of Melissa’s impromptu and epic BS, no combat.

No pics to share.  I wasn’t thinking of blog illustrations at the ER.

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So here’s one of last night’s empties and some morning coffee.  In a mug that Joey painted for me.

Trying to cancel a pity party

Care giving pushes a person toward their outer limits.  The repetition of unpleasant tasks and the human desire to receive as much or more than we give can make the caregiver sad, surly, stressed out or all of the above.

Throw in some of life’s normal irritations and it’s time for black confetti, diabolical tunes and spoiled snacks – a pity party.

A wise friend once advised me to get ahead of the onslaught by asking myself, “If I were the devil, what would I do to upset Tim?”  This week, it’s been an overload of all the life crud I’d rather not deal with;

  • Bureaucracy – got a call from the pharmacy that insurance was declining to refill our son’s array of medications, which include anti-seizure and anti-aggression chill pills.  So I had to dig through piles of forms that all look alike, call automated “customer service” numbers, hack my way to a live person who wouldn’t talk to me because of HIPPA (he, they’re my son’s meds, not mine), etc.  Hate doing this on my best day.  Got it fixed but it left me frazzled.
  • Money – I get to pay bills AND do taxes on my upcoming days off.  WooHOOO!  Yay, Me!!!!!
  • Conflict – part of my work has me representing my superiors to two dug in groups that refuse to resolve a conflict and keep trying to manipulate me to to choose between them.  My superiors simply want them to make up or get lost.  I don’t like delivering bad news; I’m a decent care giver because I’m flexible and it is not easy for me to be bossy; I like peace and hate being around people who’ve lost their rationality.  Today I get to call the two faction leaders and tell them, “You’ve exhausted the patience of my superiors.  You’re both gone.”  Even more delicious was the whole night anticipating these calls.

pathetic-7Pity parties make us passive and hapless.  The make us throw up our hands in woe and just let circumstances continue to crush us.  What to do?

  • Stop bundling the problems as one big mess.  Mentally separate them.  Take them one at a time.  They are not related.  They are not God’s wrath coming upon you.  And they will go away the sooner you stop pity partying and take them on one by one.  Don’t look at them all at once or the whole universe will look like your problem.  Give each one its time and place, curse it if you must, and then get down to dealing with it.
  • Delegate.  Can someone else help?  I just realized that someone else is going to see the feuding hard heads face to face before I do.  So, I will still make the bad news phone calls, but my colleague can deliver the formal letter from our superiors.  One less bit of stress and wasted time.  Don’t play the hero; accept offers of help or better yet, stop waiting for an offer and ask for it.
  • Practice spirituality.  Stuff that’s hard can be turned to your advantage.  As a follower of Jesus, I’m aware of the words  In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’  (Acts 20:35).  Yes, care giving is about giving more than you get back.  In our animal flesh, that’s a big negative, but in the mystery of the Spirit it’s a way to find blessing, that is, deep and abiding happiness.  So wrestle with the invisible possibilities instead of just slogging through the pathetic feelings.
  • Take your times of rest and recovery.  Sometimes this means just turning away from the problems when you’ve done what you can do.  Other times it means to celebrate because you’ve knocked something off the list.  Rewarding yourself for a victory will help you go out and win other battles.

I’m sure there’s more stuff to list but you know what?  I’m tired of thinking about it and I’m going to drink coffee and get those stupid phone calls out of the way.

Hope your weekend is good.  If you have a pity party planned, cancel it.